It has been a crazy couple of months. Pair that with the fact that I was never a very diligent blogger to begin with, and the result is an almost 3 month absence from posting. But here I am again realizing that what I thought would be a simple project of recording random ramblings and periodic ponderings has morphed into a once-a-month (or once-a-three-month) attempt to express within a small community the impact that Christ is having on me.
Welp... I'm engaged! December 18th 2011 I agreed to marry Jake W Wilhelm. He is such a good man and I am so beyond blessed to be his wife in to the not too distant future. For years I have looked forward to being engaged. Being a wife and a mother has been the goal of my professional career since I was in elementary school. While other kids wanted to grow up to be doctors, firefighters, teachers and soccer players I wanted to be an archeologist! However, I soon outgrew that childish fantasy and settled comfortably into the dream of domestic engineer. Now, I see the dream stretched out before me and I can't wait to begin! But inwardly I'm scared. I thought I'd be MORE by now. More patient, more kind, more submissive, more encouraging, more wise, dare I say more perfect.
This leads me to the lesson the Lord has been teaching me in the last few months. I am not perfect. SHOCKER! The Lord has shown me my weaknesses in new and beautiful ways through engagement. And it's been frustrating. I mean you think that knowing I'm not expected to be perfect would be relief but instead I'm annoyed. And here is the real kicker. God has been peeling away the layers to reveal my true heart about perfection. I don't want to be perfect to bless others or to be the best wife ever. I want personal perfection because I want salvation on my terms. It's not enough for me that Christ died to reconcile a wretch like me to Himself, I want to earn it on my own. Like the little girl up the street I stomp my foot and shriek "I do it MYSELF!"
I believe that in this the Lord is even more gracious to me. He kindly reveals my imperfections. This is kindness because only when I see them as truth can I turn to Him. My Hero. My Redeemer. The one who sees the sin that my heart has closed its eyes to and takes it, giving to me what I strive so hard for on my own. Perfection. May I rejoice in the flaws of my humanity because they are the reason I receive the blessing of Christ Himself. I need Him and may I daily acknowledge it, for my good and His glory.