Perfection

It has been a crazy couple of months. Pair that with the fact that I was never a very diligent blogger to begin with, and the result is an almost 3 month absence from posting. But here I am again realizing that what I thought would be a simple project of recording random ramblings and periodic ponderings has morphed into a once-a-month (or once-a-three-month) attempt to express within a small community the impact that Christ is having on me. 

 

Welp... I'm engaged! December 18th 2011 I agreed to marry Jake W Wilhelm. He is such a good man and I am so beyond blessed to be his wife in to the not too distant future. For years I have looked forward to being engaged. Being a wife and a mother has been the goal of my professional career since I was in elementary school. While other kids wanted to grow up to be doctors, firefighters, teachers and soccer players I wanted to be an archeologist! However, I soon outgrew that childish fantasy and settled comfortably into the dream of domestic engineer. Now, I see the dream stretched out before me and I can't wait to begin! But inwardly I'm scared. I thought I'd be MORE by now. More patient, more kind, more submissive, more encouraging, more wise, dare I say more perfect. 

This leads me to the lesson the Lord has been teaching me in the last few months. I am not perfect. SHOCKER! The Lord has shown me my weaknesses in new and beautiful ways through engagement. And it's been frustrating. I mean you think that knowing I'm not expected to be perfect would be relief but instead I'm annoyed. And here is the real kicker. God has been peeling away the layers to reveal my true heart about perfection. I don't want to be perfect to bless others or to be the best wife ever. I want personal perfection because I want salvation on my terms. It's not enough for me that Christ died to reconcile a wretch like me to Himself, I want to earn it on my own. Like the little girl up the street I stomp my foot and shriek "I do it MYSELF!" 

I believe that in this the Lord is even more gracious to me. He kindly reveals my imperfections. This is kindness because only when I see them as truth can I turn to Him. My Hero. My Redeemer. The one who sees the sin that my heart has closed its eyes to and takes it, giving to me what I strive so hard for on my own. Perfection. May I rejoice in the flaws of my humanity because they are the reason I receive the blessing of Christ Himself. I need Him and may I daily acknowledge it, for my good and His glory.

Takes Me Back...

Tomorrow Jake is speaking in chapel. I am so excited to go hear him preach the Word of God. He is nervous. TOTALLY understandable! And as I was seeking to encourage him I couldn't help but wonder to myself, "will he speak clearly?", "will his transitions work so that it flows?", "will the students accept what he has to say?", "will they respect him?" I was taken back to my days sittings in chapel at SDCC. Feeling the safety of the anonimity that a crowd of students brings, I was more than happy to judge the speaker (and his walk w/ the Lord) based on the 20 minute sermonette he had just delivered. I neatly tucked away mental scores based on stage presence, humor, theology, Bible translation used and relate-ability. Yet, as I sought to calm Jake's nerves a passage from Isaiah came to mind.

"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
   and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
    giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
   it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
   and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."

Isaiah 55:10-11

Why did I not consider this in school? I was so full of my own self-righteousness that I forgot it is the Lord that works. HIS Word does not return empty with out accomplishing HIS purpose because it is HIM who has sent It. I love this passage. I pray that as I continue to grow in the Lord, He will grow my love for His people. Especially those He has called to teach His word. (It really is not easy task, and I truly appreciate those men who take up this post). I pray that my heart will be one of discernment rather than judgment so I may find joy in the expounding of His truth. I pray He will bring this about for my good and His glory.

EUREKA!

The last few post-college months have been a time of self-discovery for me. I knew this would be the case, as per the forewarning from multiple of my elder friends. And, as new discoveries tend to be historic events, I felt I would take note of a few of the memorable ones here for you:

1) It is the taste of coffee not caffine that I am addicted to.
I find this quite exciting because now I can partake of my daily cup (or 3) of coffee without guilt or fear of dependency

2) I find working out enjoyable. 

Mustering the motivation to get up off my couch and go to the gym is difficult, but the actual act of  working, sweating, and the inevitable soreness I experience is not nearly as loathsome as I once imagined it to be.

3) People are my hobby.
Not in the creepy, stalker, gossipy way. But in the "I am motivated by and find worthwhile the act of investing into eternal souls for the glory of the Kingdom" kind of way. I don't enjoy crafting, cooking, reading, shopping or any "normal" hobby past times the way I enjoy being with people

4) I am unfortunately NOT  a blogger. 

This does not mean I will stop blogging. Mearly, that I have found taking time to stop and record my mind is not a priority to me. This blog is in many ways cathartic and edifying, but I have difficulty  setting aside time to make sense of my muddled mind in order to post. And, I still feel that there are many people far more interesting than myself and I prefer to read their blogs rather than write my own.

I began this blog to document the things I am learning during this time of transition. #4 on my list of self-discoveries is a bit of a hidden lever for me. Pull on it and a secret passage into the deep underlying issued of heart creeps open and down into the rabbit hole we go. For, I find that is really symptom of a lack of self-discipline.  It is not just blogging I fail to set time aside for (on the grand-scale of life, blogging is not the important). I fail to spend quality time with the Lord daily, to pray for the people and things important to me, to do the projects I have committed,  and to pour into the lives of those who matter to me. I give half-baked effort to the things in my life that are most edifying, encouraging and honoring to the Lord because it is far easier to focus on me, money, fun, food, sleep, and leisure.
Still, I am encouraged as I process in writing this inward reflection. When I was younger I committed to memory 2 Timothy 1:7 which says, "for God gave us as Spirit not of fear but of power, love and self-control." What a beautiful verse to recall as I dwell on my failings in discipline. The same God that chose me, died for me, called me, and saved me. Gives me His Spirit of power, love and self-control in order to live in a manner worthy of being His disciple for my good and His glory.

Jesus, Mommy and Me

This week my mom came down from Santa Clarita to visit me. It was an unexpected visit. I happened to have some time off work and she wanted to see some friends in the area so she popped down for the day. We sat by my pool, we drove to Old Town, we got lost on the way, we ate dinner at Miguel's Cocina, we got to talk and laugh and just be together and it was wonderful. I have always enjoyed hanging out with my mom. She is one of my dearest friends. We kinda click the way that besties do. Lately, though, i have found it especially wonderful to discuss my Savior with my mom. I feel like the Lord is teaching my mom and i some of the same things right now. He is revealing Himself to us in many of the same ways and sharing it with one another has been so sweet.

We got on the topic of the Gospel together. When was the last time you did that? Discussed the Gospel with someone. Not just in the sense of evangelism but dwelled together on how Christ, God incarnate, came into the world, lived perfectly, as no one else ever could, died on the cross taking the just penalty for your sin and mine, and imputing to us the merited honor He Himself earned in said perfect life, thereby satisfying God's wrath and gracing us with righteous standing before our Maker, and He is victorious over sin and death demonstrated by His resurrection from the grave and His ascension to the right hand of the Father. When was the last time you considered in your conversation what this glorious occurrence means for your life today? I've been thinking a lot about this lately. My view of the place of the Gospel in my life has changed considerably this past year. I attend a church where the Gospel is preached weekly for the benefit of believers and unbelievers alike. And it is beautiful!

My mom and i discussed this change in my perspective.  The more i dwell on this, the more i talk about it with other people, the more i see it in my time in the word. For example the other day i was reading Hebrews and this verse stood out to me, "But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today", that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." (Hebrews 3:13) How do we exhort one another daily to combat deceit? We tell one another the truth. The truth of the glorious Gospel of God. The truth that changes lives. I have a friend who told me about the importance of "gospeling" people in your life. Who ever thought of making the Gospel of verb? But what she means is telling others about how the life, death, and resurrection of Christ applies to the situation they are in. And it always does. The Gospel changes everything. I'm learning this a little more each day. I hope it is something i make a habit of sharing for our good and His glory.

Shema

When i was a little girl i was joined in bed each night by a smattering of stuffed animals. My white cat, a doll or two, and more than a few beanie babies were neatly heaped at the foot of my bed as close to the edge as i deemed safe. They were perfectly placed ready to bid me goodnight. Close enough that i felt them near but not invading my precious sleeping space. Being that this was their appointed station,  i was happy to report that they were obedient little toys and did not move from it. 

One evening my mother came in to tuck me in. Noticing that my stuffed animals had not budged in quite some time, she decided to try a little experiment. 

    "Would you be alright with us moving this one just over here?" she asked as she plucked my cat from its niche and tucked it near the corner.

    "Um...."
*a moment or two of very profound contemplation*
    "I guess that would be okay."
In reality, this was not okay. Not one bit. I just knew that i would not be able to fall asleep with things in such disarray.  And the moment my mom left the room i hastened to put everything back into its proper place. 

I... am... a control freak. There i said it! And i tell this story because today i find myself back in that bed fighting for order. In the past few days I have had the "last day" at three separate jobs. Tomorrow i begin my new job as a barista. And i'm afraid. I hate really really hate the unknown. It is dark and uncomfortable and i have no idea what is out there. And yet, in the midst of the fear, i hear the Lord saying to me Shema. Hear. Hear Me. Know Me. 

"Hear (Shema), O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart." 

Deuteronomy 6:4-6

God spoke these words to Israel as they were about to enter the Promise Land. He had just brought them out of the oppression of Egypt and He is about to hand to them all the blessings of His promise to their father Abraham. He goes on to tell them that they are to bind these words on their clothes and their doors and they are to talk about them all the time with everyone. When they receive blessings they did not earn they are to remember God. And when they move forward into the life He has laid out for them they are to recall who He is and what He has done and thereby, to keep Him ever before their hearts. 

Though i don't know what is to come in the next few months (or years) i can look back at God's faithfulness to call me out of the slavery to sin and into the immense blessing of His marvelous light and i can hold on to hope for the future. I can look forward to the assurance of life that I have in Christ Jesus, a blessing i did not earn but He earned for me. And, i can know that He is good and He is true and He will not disappoint for He will always offer the beauty of Himself. I pray in the days ahead He will continue to remind me of Himself. And i will walk in faith for my good and His glory.

Today I Conquered...

an insecurity. You see, i've never really believed that i was worthy to blog. I figured there were enough people out there typing up their every notion and sending it out into the void to be read by, well... no one.

But i am a recent college graduate working in the coffee buzz. And though that may not seem like much of a reason to begin a blog... for me, it changes everything. Because right now, everything in my life is changing. I live in a new house, with a new job, and a new routine. I no longer attend college, nor do I live in the same zip code as my boyfriend. The sphere of those that influence me is shifting as well as that of the people i influence. And, for the first time in years, i live in the same state as my parents, yet my youngest sisters are just beginning to wander out on their own.  The reality that nothing will remain the same seems to be waiting around every corner just waiting for me to turn so it can pop out shouting boo! and giggling as i start with fear.

and still... in the midst of what i feel is best described as turbulent, i feel secure. I know that "...in all these things we are more than conquerors...." (Rom. 8:37).  I know that my days will be spent conquering this temperamental life through Jesus Christ. As emotional as that reason may be it is the truth. I felt that as i delve into this new year, i may have a thought or two or a revelation or five in my walk with the Lord that would be edifying for me to process and encouraging for someone to read. May this exploration in my thoughts & theology be for our good and His glory.